Kitty Litter

 
SHE’S BAAAAACK!

Remember me? I’ve been holed up in my jammies for a couple of days, working on a lengthy story I’ve been writing and am trying to finish. I bounce between writing and editing. You might say that the weather has facilitated my semi-hermitage. We’ve had some snow, then some sleet, then some freezing rain to cement the mess into a sheer, hardened façade. DogMan has missed work. Nurse G has missed work. Neither of them could get out of town, the roads were so treacherous. Today I couldn’t start my car. Turned the key and clunk. Dead. Morte. Not the battery, and the starter is new. So, once again I’ve got to have it towed to the shop. I was on my way to watch Little H, which is never a downer, so DogMan had to provide transportation. But I’m finally back into Litter.

SURRENDER BELINDA!

The Canadian press brings us news, which is hardly news to any of us. Her Royal C is once again trying to whip Bill into shape for the campaign, not his campaign, her campaign. This doesn’t mean she wants him to cut out his carbs, just his cuties. She’s demanding that Bill “cool his 'close relationship' with a wealthy blond divorcee” by the name of Belinda Stronach. She’s a genuine beauty, too, a much younger, softer, more feminine woman than HRC. A while back I had asked a very good source if the snarky nicknames people have given HRC (Hildebeast, PIAPS, HitLIARy, etc.) ever upset Bill. This very good source replied that he probably doesn’t even think of them as he has someone else, and this time he’s really-truly in love. Will Bill give up Belinda? Is HRC jealous of Belinda? Will HRC use real whips on Bill? Will Bill like being whipped by HRC? Duck, Belinda! That’s Her Royal C on that broomstick circling Parliament Hill, and she means business.


WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE …

“Canadians to Bush: Hope You Lose, Eh” Charming neighbors, aren’t they. Such paragons of culture. Do you suppose that there’s any connection between Bill Clinton’s Canadian concubine and the bacon’n’beer yokels’ desire to see Bush lose?


Now, back to my other writing …
Myerskatt@aol.com

 
LIFEBUOY ANYONE?

“Brah*min: a person of high social standing and cultivated intellect and taste.”

John F***ing Kerry is a Brahmin, a distinction of birth because “his mother was a Forbes, from one of Massachusetts' oldest WASP families.” The man who would be president freely voiced the “F” word with the same mouth he kisses his WASP mother. The very same vocabulary got Ralphie’s mouth washed out with Lifebuoy soap. Ralphie’s “Queen Mother of dirty words” was an unintended slip-of-the-tongue: John F***ing Kerry’s was deliberate and calculated. You’d think a man, a Brahmin no less!, of such “high social standing and cultivated intellect and taste” would know of another word.

Old news, yes, but I mention it because looks can be deceiving, and John F***ing Kerry is shaping up to be the king of this political season’s masquerade ball. While he’s trying to sell himself as a populist, he sails Nantucket Sound in a 42-foot powerboat for which he paid at least $695,000 cash. He empathizes with “the little people,” yet he’s notorious for barging to the front of the line. Complaints were met with, “Do you know who I am?” To get up to speed, read Howie Carr (a Boston Herald columnist and syndicated talk-radio host, has been covering John Kerry for 25 years); he has written the John F***ing Kerry primer for you.

And while you’re reading up on Kerry, learn what he and Nixon have in common. Does Watergate ring any bells?

The bigger news this morning is a speech Kerry gave on the Senate floor on February 27, 1992. Rush talked about it at length yesterday. This morning I did a Google news search for “John Kerry 1992 speech” and came up with not only Limbaugh’s site, but the Socialist Worker Online, Newsday, The American Prospect, and the Boston Globe. Lucianne.com has it linked. They missed the Wall Street Journal and The American Spectator, and no doubt there are others as well.

This is the speech in which Kerry said, “I am saddened that Vietnam has yet again been inserted into the campaign.” But, wait! I thought John F***ing Kerry was running on his Nam hero medals? Y’know, those medals which he supposedly threw away in disgust in front of clicking cameras? Except that those particular medals weren’t really his, just “props,” if you will. No, the real medals were framed and hung on his office wall at the politically appropriate time. Kerry is so Clinton-esque. Lifebuoy anyone?


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT …

Thanks to Slappy who sent this to Boss who sent it to me, you can see the Super Bowl ads. I haven’t had time to check it out yet, so beware!


Myerskatt@aol.com

 
LoanCat sent the following:
(I haven't confirmed the following info, but it sounds about right to me!)

Worst President in History?
The following appeared in the Durham, NC local paper as a letter to the editor. Please forward to all on your list as this will put things in perspective:

Liberals claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war. They complain about his prosecution of it. One liberal recently claimed Bush was the worst president in U.S. history. Let's clear up one point: We didn't start the war on terror. Try to remember, it was started by terrorists BEFORE 9/11.

Let's look at the "worst" president and mismanagement claims:

FDR led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year.

Truman finished that war with the loss of 200,000 Japanese lives in just 4 days and started one in Korea, North Korea never attacked us. >From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,333 per year.

John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us. Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. >From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year.

Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent . Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

In the two years since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled Al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Lybia, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. We lost 600 soldiers, an average of 300 a year. Bush did all this abroad while not allowing another terrorist attack at home.

Worst president in history? Come on!


Myerskatt@aol.com

 
I’VE BEEN THINKING …

DogMan would say that thinking is a dangerous activity for me. Whatever. I’ve been thinking about WHY Janet Jackson would expose her “collapsed soufflé”? For the exposure (ha ha ha) in a fading career? Promoting her next CD? My first reaction was, Why would she do such a thing with all that her brother is going through? I couldn’t believe WHY she would provoke condemnation in the face of her family’s mounting travails. Unless, for whatever reason, she wanted to deflect some of that unforgiving attention on Jacko. Maybe this was her pathetic way to take some of the heat off him. That “wardrobe malfunction” certainly shoved Jacko aside in the headlines. On the other hand, maybe DogMan is correct; maybe I’m thinking too much.

So while I’m exposing the mysterious malfunctions of my brain, I couldn’t help but think of that Mel Gibson movie, “Conspiracy Theory,” while watching the news on this ricin scare. In the movie, Mel Gibson plays this paranoid NYC cabbie whose apartment is wallpapered with little bits of news clippings. He somehow sees connections in the clippings to grander schemes; he was proven right in the end. So I was watching the news about how the Senate building is closed after finding, and confirming, the presence of ricin, and I wondered what Mel Gibson’s character would see as the greater scheme. Or maybe, once again, DogMan is right.


ALIVE AND WELL

My idol, Lucianne Goldberg, that wondrously witty doyenne of the Net, has written Short Cuts today! Five days each morning, which was changed to four days last year, Lucianne wrote a fabulous essay to note the news of the day. I have always been pea-green with envy over her pithy style. Then, late last year, Short Cuts stopped appearing with no explanation. Me? I takem 'em whenever I can, and today there they were, just like old times. siiiigh. Today she describes John F***ing Kerry as “the world's tallest Shar-Pei.” And for a lift: ‘John Kerry is about to find himself in a very lonely place in his own party. As the Washington Times points out: "Most of the unflattering in-depth research on him is not coming from Republicans but from reliably liberal journals such as the New Republic, the Atlantic, Slate and the New York Times. It is still to be seen if the liberal candidate can stand up to liberal scrutiny."’ Surf over to L.com and read her Short Cuts posted right there on the front page under her Must Reads.


SPEAKING OF THE SHAR-PEI

While he had a few Nam vets support him, he also has a few who do not.


AW-SHUCKS, T’WERN’T NOTHIN’

Without resorting to rants or profanity or ad hominem attacks, Dubya has a way of leaving the Dems sputtering with rage. Don’t-cha just love it?


FROM NEWSMAX.COM:

1) Remember our report a few weeks ago about how the elitists of the New York Times were outraged that some employees in Iraq were packing heat to defend themselves from the terrorists? Now the Old Gray Lady has made good on its threats and has disarmed its own people, the Wall Street Journal reported Friday. By the way, 13 journalists were killed in Iraq last year, and two CNN employees were gunned down near Baghdad last week. Expect the body count to rise.

2) More signs that Wesley Clark's run is history: We hear Sen. Hillary Clinton is privately throwing her support to Sen. Kerry. A NewsMax friend recently saw her at a Washington dinner party. She indicated that Kerry was clearly the best choice of the Democrats' field. When our friend suggested that a brokered convention still could happen, with Hillary emerging as the party's savior, she greeted the suggestion with a hearty laugh.

Thanks to Blue, I can post the Darwin Awards:

The 2003 Darwin Awards - please read to the end- it's worth it!

Yes, it's the one we've all been waiting for ... the Darwin Awards 2003. The candidates have finally been released!

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition again this year has been keen.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

*In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally stoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.

Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

* In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

* In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

* In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

* In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP....

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say," Said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER....

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.

With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that "Sh*t happens."



Keepin’ warm in winter
Myerskatt@aol.com

 
BOOB

You've gotta check out Sean Delonas's cartoon today. Think Pavorotti will get any support for this?

 
“Y’GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD UP …”

I’ve been hearing a lot of rumbling and unrest in the Republican ranks lately, a lot of “I’m sitting this election out!” utter nonsense. Some are angry over Dubya’s budget proposals; some are absolutely LIVID! with his immigration plans; and some are frustrated that he’s not responding vociferously to the Dems’ attacks. Too many of his base feel taken for granted, that Dubya seems intent upon winning over those who will never be won. If any of you identify with any of those passions, have I got the article for YOU! Did you know that “President George W. Bush is the very first President to hold a Masters Degree in Business Administration”? And not just any MBA, a Harvard MBA at that!

For those who think like Slappy, that Dubya’s daddy done got him a “gentleman’s C,” think again: “I never, ever heard of a case of an incompetent student being allowed to graduate, simply because a certain family was prominent. On the contrary, I did hear stories of well-born students having to leave prior to graduation. The academic standards were a point of considerable pride. … Harvard Business School would no sooner voluntarily graduate an incompetent MBA holder than Coca Cola would ship-out bottles containing dead mice.”

Read the entire article because it’s an excellent read, a case study in strategic thinking and governing, and because you’ll feel good again. Like this: “By reputation, the President was a very avid and skillful poker player when he was an MBA student. One of the secrets of a successful poker player is to encourage your opponent to bet a lot of chips on a losing hand. This is a pattern of behavior one sees repeatedly in George W. Bush’s political career. He is not one to loudly proclaim his strengths at the beginning of a campaign. Instead, he bides his time, does not respond forcefully, a least at first, to critiques from his enemies, no matter how loud and annoying they get. If anything, this apparent passivity only goads them into making their case more emphatically.” See what I mean? You can thank me later :)

P.S. To those who would prefer to sit the next election out because Dubya didn't (fill in the blank), think of this and this and this. Then sit out the election and let a liberal be sworn in as the next Commander-in-Chief.


SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE ALGORE

Algore III was arrested last December on charges of pot possession. He and his buds were cruisin’ late one night with the Cadillac’s windows open and the headlights off. What cop wouldn’t become suspicious? His sentence is to complete a substance abuse program. Of course, this isn’t the first time he’s been on the wrong side of the law. Back when Algore II was the VP and when junior was a student at the very exclusive blue bloods’ St. Albens Prep School, junior was arrested. Didn’t hear of it? Well, that’s because the Algore-friendly media covered it up. But never fear, because according to Montgomery County State's Attorney Douglas Gansler, “Regardless of who the defendant is ... we treat them in the exact same way.” If that’s true, then just when did they storm junior’s doctor’s office and seize his medical records? After all, he IS a drug addict, right?


SNARKY BIT OF THE DAY

It gives me great joy to bring you the following news. It seems that “some Academy members are voting for Sofia Coppola to win Best Director to disprove Barbra Streisand's constant complaint she was never nominated in that category because she is a woman. "We have nothing against women, we just don't like Streisand," said one voter.”


The ever-cheerful
Myerskatt@aol.com

 
Blue sent the following and wonders,
Is this what we have to look forward to with The Patriot Act?


ORDERING A PIZZA IN 2008

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your National ID
Number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. From
which number are you calling, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your
All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Darn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while
you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be
a little awkward."

Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repoed. But your Harley's paid up.

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics."



"Any people willing to surrender basic liberty for security, deserve neither."
- Ben Franklin


Myerskatt@aol.com

 
BOOB TUBE

In their best Capt. Renault, CBS is shocked, SHOCKED! to see Janet Jackson’s tasseled ta-ta. Read their Why-we-NEVER! outrage if you’d like, but who believes THEM? Then there’s the ever-schizoid MTV who pre-game announced “shocking moments” and then post-game claimed that they were “unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional.” Yeah. Right. Sure.

Why did JJ do it? With all that her big bro is going through right now … and she has been fiercely defending him … why would she risk such public condemnation? She MUST have known that the public would be outraged, especially since it occurred within a family-viewing event during the “family hour.” Steve Doocey, on Fox and Friends this morning, pronounced the stunt as her “jump the shark” moment.

And on the catty side, what was with her “Planet of the Apes” get-up?


PST PST PST

Page Six has some of the best blind items. Here’s a goodie from today: “WHICH recently deceased diet doctor underwent a top-secret tummy tuck operation in the early 1990s?” Dr. A had every right to tighten up, so there, loosen up!


I’M 45

No, that's not my age, that’s my score when I took Dr. Phil’s personality test. Thanks to LoanCat, I can post it for you. Send me yours, if you’d like, and I’ll post them. LoanCat scored a 42. We’re all very lovable here at Kitty Litter. HUG!

“LOAD OF CRAP.”

According to Joe Queenan, that was what his parents and grandparents think that all this “Irish shillelagh stuff” is, a “load of crap.” If you have never read Joe Queenan, you’re missing something great. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with the magazine Irish America for years. I’ve been a subscriber and I’ve let it lapse. Their liberalism is simply too blatant at times to overlook. But I bought the current Feb/Mar issue just because it has a Q&A interview with “Sardonic Joe.”

1st Question: “Do you identify or label yourself an Irish-American?”
A: “First of all, to a certain extent, all ethnicity is a fraud. … If you grow up an Irish-American, you don’t have anything to do with Ireland. … I’m an American.”

2nd Q: “Did your heritage have a profound impact on you while you were growing up?”
A: “Being working-class [had more of an impact] than being Irish-American.”

3rd Q: “But growing up with an Irish background must’ve had some influence.”
A: “Irish Catholic, yes; Irish-American, not so much. There are certain things about the Irish Catholic experience that shape your attitudes. You’re taught at a very early age that there’s right and there’s wrong, that there’s good and there’s evil and that there are no shades of gray. I want things to be simple.”

The interviewer obviously had an agenda, and I think he was frustrated/surprised with JQ’s answers. Queenan went only to Catholic schools and said, “The priests and nuns who taught me were fantastic.” Right there I got my $3.95 worth. Somebody finally has something good to say about them!

He went on to say that he broke with the Church, in part, because they got rid of the Latin Mass. Again, a resounding Hallelujah! I read that there is one Catholic Church left in the US that still has the Latin Mass, and I think someone is trying to close it down.

Joe Queenan loves America and is not shy to say so. I’d link the article if that were possible, but you can read it in the checkout line at the supermarket! Find a long line with loaded carts.


LUCIANNE.COM’S QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"We'd have spent it differently if we knew it wasn't going to work."
-Don Beyer, Dean campaign treasurer, on where the money went


Myerskatt@aol.com

 
ZEN & THE ART OF KINKY

"He ain't Kinky. He's my governor." That’s Kinky’s campaign bumper sticker. Kinky, as in Kinky Friedman, who IS running for governor. “How's my semi-serious, nontraditional, not-entirely-implausible campaign for governor going? Glad you asked.” Apparently he was only semi-serious until the NY Times got hold of the idea and interviewed him. The Kinster is a fun read.

Kinky’s run for governor reminds me of a “Cheers” episode: “The gang at Cheers is treated to a campagin visit from their city councilman. Frasier, turned off by the man's insincerity, berates all politicians and vows that even Woody could get ten percent of the vote. The gang doesn't believe him, so to prove his point, he gets Woody on the ballot and starts the campaign going. However, when Woody's opponent stumbles, Woody is poised for a win.”


IT MUST BE A GUY THING

If you’re in the market for some male bonding other than that pigskin pep rally in Houston, check out Bravo Channel. Beginning at noon today, they’re having a “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” Marathon. Then beginning at 8:00pm EST, they’ll launch into their “Gay Wedding” Marathon.


BUT IF YOU MUST

watch that ball thing today, at least be on the lookout for a certain commercial, a “60-second spot” which “features a new mid-size GMC pickup truck with a Vortec I-5 engine.” A local young woman named Sara Eolin produced it. According to Sara, "It's the only mid-sized truck that has this new in-line, five-cylinder engine that has the fuel efficiency of a four-cylinder with the horsepower of a six-cylinder."


Myerskatt@aol.com