IT'S THE DIGITAL BROWNSHIRTS NEWS
KERRY DESERVES AN OSCAR,
BUT BUSH DESERVES THE WHITE HOUSE
Buffed nails and one debate do not a president make.
For the rest of the Digital Brownshirts News:
Pt. 2: Wild Bill thinks Kerry lied about WMDs
Pt. 3: Aaron from Something To Cry About takes on the actual content of the debate.
Pt. 4: Kerry says no nuclear bunker buster bombs?
THE COURAGE TO TAKE ALL SIDES
The Kerry Montage as heard on the Bruce Jacobs Show
Hat tip Luis!
TWO BLOGGERS WITH GREAT POVs
This should everyone feel better. Excellent, Lorie!
It occurs to me that there are a few unintended consequences of the underwhelming performance (according to most pundits) of President Bush last night.
DJ Drummond, at StolenThunder, spells out how Bush won the debate last night.
This was NOT a debate in school, or under some arcane set of rules. This was a Political debate, where Bush and Kerry were pursuing specific goals, and they were not always the same goal. President Bush wanted to defend the war in Iraq as part of the War on Terror, and to show his position superior to Kerry's on Foreign Policy and National Security. Senator Kerry wanted to attack Bush where he holds the biggest lead, to separate Iraq from the War on Terror, and to show consistency in his policies and positions.
And this NEWS FLASH from Luis, at JoeAndJaneSixpack:
Barry Young, a talk show host here in Arizona has just exposed the DNC. Apparently Terry McCauliffe sent an email to millions of people telling them, before the debate, to call all the polls including the newspapers that they thought Kerry had won. Barry got one and read it on the air. The subject was: Debate Response Team. Don't pay any attention to the polls, they are rigged!
So much for Bush’s pronunciation of the word nuclear.
Hat tip to LoanCat!
PRESIDENT vs. POLTROON
Like presidential conventions, I rarely watch presidential debates. First of all, they’re not debates. Instead, they’re staged, contrived, choreographed right down to eyebrow twitches: how many, how often and when. Sitcoms should be so rehearsed. Not to mention that this is the Of-course-we’re-not-biased! MSM which handled the night. But I must admit that I was curious, so I compromised and spent the 90 minutes switching back’n’forth between Fox News and an old SOPRANOS rerun (Jr. was still a pudgy kid).
Style is all that I’m concerned with here; I’ll leave the details of the substance to others (did Kerry think we wouldn’t notice his lies?).
Kerry assumed the position and pontificated (just enough!) his way through his soliloquies, hubris barely restrained … not too orange, just enough Botox, great hair and manicure, impeccable clothing … so he appeared to do well in style. However, was it just me or did Kerry hop around a lot?
Bush looked weary, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Which, of course, is the point: Bush carries the weight of the world upon his shoulders. He’s been dealing with war and floods and hurricanes and national security issues on the home front, and having to make snap decisions all along the way. All Kerry has been doing for the past year, at least from my point of view, is campaigning. I hear him referred to as “Senator,” but what, exactly, has he done as a senator? Has he even shown up for work? He windsurfs. He bikes. He skis. Let’s face it; Kerry’s been on a yearlong sabbatical preparing for November 2nd.
Yesterday, as though preparing for a Broadway opening night, Kerry was busy with correcting the color of his tan, getting a manicure, picking out a tie, snipping stray hairs and sniping about the podium lights.
Kerry's team threatened to remove the lights when they visit the debate site with Kerry later in the day.
"We'll bring a screwdriver," said a Kerry aide familiar with what several people called an angry exchange.
Yesterday, Bush was dealing with more suicide bombers in Iraq killing children and comforting the latest hurricane victims in Florida.
Last night was Kerry’s big important audition. Last night was important to Bush as well, but not the most important. Kerry had one good night; he did shine last night, while Bush has been shining daily for three and a half years now. Last night Kerry showed that he wears his hand-made shirts well, while Bush showed that he wears his office well, especially while putting up with a petty poltroon like Botox Boy.
Debate Analysis: ''Kissing Your Sister''
We know what you are all are asking - Who won? We think it's a tie. Sorry, but it's true. Both sides can make good arguments that they won. In our opinion Kerry probably stopped the bleeding tonight and he'll live to fight another day, but are there enough days left? Also, stopping the bleeding does not mean jumping ahead, which given his current position was what he needs to do quickly. Kerry certainly did not embarrass himself, and was effective in getting his message out. However, it's the message, we feel, that's the problem.
Bush also shined when he talked about giving freedom to the people of the Middle East. There is a noticeable jump in his intensity, concentration, and energy level when he talks about this. 90% of Kerry's performance tonight was either negativism about Iraq or criticism of President Bush. That doom and gloom is not a way to win votes, especially when you haven't offered a real way out of it
His Own Worst Enemy
By David Hogberg
[T]he debate began, and I couldn't help feeling a bit discouraged. In the first thirty minutes, Kerry did very well. He seemed resolute and sincere, for example, when he said, "I will hunt down and kill the terrorists, wherever they are." He was gracious, almost to the point of being charming. It was a very good beginning for a candidate who needed to score a big debate victory to turn the polls around.
But soon the John Kerry emerged that we have all come to know and dislike.
Indeed, Kerry may have won the debate last night, but with the "global test" remark he will probably lose the bigger battle in the days ahead. In post-debate remarks, Vice President Dick Cheney was already using it against Kerry, dismissing him as a "wanna-be Senator who says that in response to the question on preemptive action, he would support it as long as it passed some kind of global test." Look for the Bush campaign to use the term "global test" in the weeks to come the way they used the term "more sensitive war" a few weeks ago.
The biggest problem for the Kerry Campaign is that Kerry is often his own worst enemy. Last night was no exception.
Why Bush Won
By John Tabin
Matt Drudge posted last night that Kerry advisors were unknowingly caught in a candid conversation by C-SPAN's cameras where Joe Lockhart told Mike McCurry that "the consensus is it was a draw." Lockhart is more or less correct. And that's why I say Bush won. Kerry might get a small bounce in the polls, but probably not enough to fundamentally change the trajectory of the race.
From Lambert to Treblinka
By Wlady Pleszczynski
A guest on "Nightline" was the first I heard to make the predictable point that if some alien saw last night's two participants in action for the first time Kerry would have been the one who appeared more presidential. Well, duh. He's taller, smoother sounding, and prepared to say anything. Plus he even smiled a few times and appeared gracious. All that private schooling had to leave some mark.
Bush, by contrast, was caught in an act his detractors always claim he's incapable of: thinking. More than once he bit his tongue, concentrated on what he wanted to say, and then offered it up. So there we are, a pensive Bush.
As smooth and presidential and impeccably French and cosmopolitan as Kerry was, Bush mopped the floor with him late in the evening. Asked about Russia's Vladimir Putin, Bush at his folksy best talked about his "relation" with "Vladimir," extending his comments in such as way to drive home the point that he gets on real fine with this allied foreign leader. Kerry could describe nothing comparable. Instead, the only claim to Russia expertise he could offer was a trip he took there after the fall of Communism. Whereupon he produced the verbal gaffe of the evening, referring to the KGB headquarters as being located on Treblinka Square. What kind of empty suit would mistake the Nazi death camp for the Lubianka. This is a little more serious than the Lambeau-Lambert field fumble.
JUDGING THE DEBATE: A WASTED NIGHT
By John Podhoretz
The debate was high-minded.
The candidates discussed their differences.
God, was it boring.
What was important last night was the high tedium factor. It hurts Kerry. Boredom isn't going to do anything to change the dynamics of the race in Kerry's favor. As for the president, because he's leading and because he has the enthusiastic support of his Republican base, Bush needs only to reassure people between now and Nov. 2.
So tedium actually works for him in this context.
ONE WINNER ON SUBSTANCE, ANOTHER ON STYLE
By Dick Morris
PRESIDENT Bush's positions on the issues aired in the debate last night are so sound and John Kerry's so contradictory that the Republican could not help but win the debate. But, despite the contradictions of his positions, Kerry showed Americans that he looks and acts like a commander-in-chief and someone we could trust with power.
So Bush could not but win the debate. Kerry has taken such awkward and obviously wrong positions that Bush had to emerge as last night's winner.
But Bush seemed disengaged, distracted and, at times, even bored. His performance reminded me of the style — or lack of it — that he brought to the pre-primary debates of 2000.
He seemed to convey a message of: Don't bother me, leave me alone, you don't understand and I can't bother to explain what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
“RUN OUT OF STEAM”
By CrushKerry’s Pat Hynes
I call it "Hate Fatigue." The theory is this: the Democrats wasted their hate for George W. Bush on movies, books, blogs, meet-ups, commission hearings, and protests over the last three years and they have just about run out of steam. And now that the election is upon us, their potent venom has run dry. Some have just given up.
GROWIN' GROWIN' GROWIN'
Jayson, at PoliPundit, compares real GDP growth of Clinton and Bush:
News You Won’t See in Print
Clinton (‘95-’96): Average quarterly rate (annualized) of real GDP growth = 2.95 percent.
Bush (‘03-’04): Average quarterly rate (annualized) of real GDP growth = 4.23 percent.
Poor John Kerry
He throws away someone else's medals.
He drives someone else's SUV.
He marries someone else's wife.
And he inherits someone else's money.
I think we should all vote for him to go be President of someone else's country!
Hat tip Blue!
A Dangerous Way to 'Hide'
By Tim Worstall
[S]ince when was flying a jet fighter something done by cowards?
The middle-aged among us might remember Tom Wolfe's book, "The Right Stuff", the younger cohort might have seen the movie based on it. At the heart of the story is the idea that only those who have proved themselves, strapped a jet engine and a little aluminum skin on, lit the touch paper and survived to tell the tale actually have what it takes to lead America into the Space Age. At one point in the book there is an extensive passage about the casualty rates at Pensacola, where the Naval pilots trained, and how with disturbing frequency young wives were met by the Chaplain and an officer to inform them that their husband had not made it, had flamed out or perished in some other manner common in those early days of the jet plane. Wolfe also points out that the first night landing on a carrier is quite possibly the most dangerous single thing (pace Russian Roulette) that a man can do and almost certainly the scariest. That's why I was a little surprised by Senator Tom Harkin and his claims to have flown in Vietnam. It doesn't matter whether you were there or not sir, you passed the naval aviation course and therefore you are a mensch.* Period
* Mensch: decent person.
YOU, TOO, CAN GET THE KERRY ‘TAN’
KERRY SAYS THE TAN'S REAL BUT IT'S EASY TO FAKE IT
BY MICHAEL KANE
"I want to look like John Kerry," I announced.
She said she wasn't sure they could pull off a pumpkin-orange glow - "but we can make you look really dark," she said.
"How long do you think that would take?"
Elton thought it over.
"Six seconds," she said. "That's for the full-body Instant Tan, which will last about four days."
PORN TO RUN
THE adult film industry is hoping to pump up John Kerry's somewhat flaccid presidential campaign with "The Porn for Kerry DVD." Pro-Kerry group PornForProgress is hawking the dirty disc, which has porn stars portraying the likes of Jenna Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Ann Coulter, Al Franken, Tom Ridge and Lyndie England. All proceeds from the DVD, tastefully described as "part political satire and part hardcore hot sex," go toward Kerry campaign efforts in swing states.
RESCUE ME WEDNESDAY
8 The Bush/Cheney team, realizing that the Dems’ pigeon is destined to become a dead duck l’orange without quick intervention, has offered their help.
John Kerry's Debate Strategy Book
Hat tip Chris!
8 Luis, at JoeAndJaneSixPack, pulls no punches. If you haven't surfed his blog, you’re missing a real treat.
The American Axis Of Evil
As much as I hate to admit it, we have an axis of evil here in our own country. Its intent is to totally destroy our way of life. I know I am going to catch a lot of flak for what I am about to say but someone has to say it.
Hat tip LoanCat!
8 Jennifer Shiman, at AngryAlien, has produced some of the most inspired 30-second clips of animated bunnies re-enacting popular movies. Here’s her latest message:
I’m thrilled to officially announce that the 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Troupe is working on a very special project for the Starz! movie channel.
The Bunnies will be hosting the “Starz! Hare-Raising Halloween Marathon” this October. The marathon begins Saturday, October 30 and runs through midnight of Sunday October 31, on the Starz! channel. After the marathon I’ll post each re-enactment, one at a time, on the Angryalien.com website. More details to come!
Of the featured movies Starz will broadcast during the marathon, the Bunnies Troupe and I chose the following three to re-enact:
Freddy vs. Jason
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (v.2003)
Hi Folks, here is the direct link to the Starz! Hare-Raising Halloween Marathon Trailer.
8 This is so GREAT! Pat, at KerryHaters, has been linked by David Limbaugh’s blog!
KISS CHECK KITING GOOD-BYE
Great. This shoots my budget all t’hell!
IF CHECK IS IN THE MAIL, $$ BETTER BE IN THE BANK
Say goodbye to writing a check a day or two before you actually deposit the money to cover it.
A new law taking effect just before Halloween to speed paper checks clearing among banks will erase our time-honored "float" forever — meaning funds will be withdrawn from your account in a matter of hours, not days.
Also, all those canceled checks you had once received with monthly statements will disappear under the law, in hopes of saving as much as $2 billion a year that bankers spend in shipping paper checks to each other.
YOU ARE SO LIBERAL IF …
The Man, at GOPandTheCity, has posted his 3rd hilarious installment
This post is for the people out there still having problems determining their liberality? Have you caught yourself telling your friends that you still think Dan Rather is an objective news source? Maybe you have been thinking about buying a Toyota Prius because some celebrities have them or you just ran a Prius off the road in your SUV.
There have been some funny posts sent to me and I'll list them in future entries. Keep sending them to me here email@example.com or post them in the comments for the entire world to see. Remember, there are no stupid entries, just stupid people.
TELLIN' IT LIKE IT IS
Mike G., what's your opinion on the matter?
Germans Piqued by Retired U.S. Officer's Op-Ed
There's a little bit of a Donnybrook developing over a column written in the New York Post a couple of weeks ago. The opinion piece, which ran August 19 was written by an old and dear friend of mine, retired Army Lieutenant Colonel Ralph Peters.
In the column in question Peters disparaged the motivations of the German and French governments who, he spelled out in no uncertain terms, had essentially left us in the lurch in our struggle for Iraq. He went on in his column to criticize German motivations regarding U.S. troops stationed in that country.
"The primary reason why German politicians want American troops to remain," wrote Peters, "is that they've been fleecing us for a half century. Some flunky from the German Embassy may respond with bogus claims about how our presence is subsidized, but the truth is that American tax dollars go to lazy, arrogant, corrupt German employees who work on our bases and over whom we have little control.
"The Germans aren't worried about global security. They're worried about their dismal unemployment numbers."
This entire business is rather a shame as I count myself fortunate to have a great many old friends in Germany - many of them soldiers in the German Army. These are all bright, dedicated, people. They don't deserve the sort of lackluster political leadership with which they have had to contend of late and I do not hold them responsible for Schroeder's or Lieutenant General Buergener's little fit of pique. But these sentiments do not make Ralph Peters' comments any less valid.
TRUST THE MILITARY, NOT KERRY
A Nuance Too Far
The military is in much better shape than Kerry acknowledges.
BY BRENDAN MINITER
Iraq is proving to be the front line in the war on terror. The Marines stationed near Fallujah are camped out in a massive complex that housed four terrorist training camps during Saddam Hussein's regime. The military is also successfully killing and capturing terrorists every day in Iraq. With al Qaeda operatives active in Iraq and foreign fighters comprising half or more of the "insurgents" killed in some battles, it's really a misnomer to describe what's going on there as an insurgency
It's true that the National Guard will likely report 51,000 new recruits this year, 5,000 short of its goal. But that's only half the story. The number of people trying to get into the military isn't decreasing. In fact a record number of students applied to the Air Force Academy this year. One of the reasons the military is finding it hard to hit its recruitment numbers is that the force size is actually increasing. The military is larger now than it was on Sept. 11 because the administration has been able to add about 20,000 troops to the rolls temporarily. Meanwhile, Congress is readying legislation that would add as many as 30,000 soldiers to the Army along with 10,000 Marines. And yesterday the New York Times reported that the Army is considering getting away from 12-month deployments in Iraq in favor of six-month combat tours. That's what the Marines do now, and they aren't having any trouble meeting their recruiting goals.
A LITTLE BRYD-IE TELLS YOU
I grew up in a small country village at a time when doctors made house calls. Our one and only doctor made his rounds during the day and held office hours in the evenings. Unless the ailment was serious, it was a first come first served basis. There was no health insurance back then that I can recall, certainly not for sore throats and sprained ankles. You dealt directly with the doctor if there was a problem with your ability to pay. Our little town had no pharmacy, so the doctor also dispensed the medicine. My mother seems to recall that the hospital, located in a nearby city, charged $75 to have a baby. Between then and now, phenomenal advances have been made in medicine. Our health care in this country is, without exception, the finest in the world. Our health care system, however, is a nightmare.
Lorie Byrd, who is a regular contributor at PoliPundit, has launched her own blog called ByrdDropppings. Bookmark it. She’s written a helluva piece on the subject of our current health care “crisis.”
If Anyone Could Be The Poster Child for the Current Health Care "Crisis" It Is Me -- Thanks, But No Thanks
I am probably the perfect target for John Kerry's pitch for a new approach to health care. My husband took a new job several months ago, and while the job conditions and pay are better than they were in his previous position, there is one big drawback. His new company is small and does not offer a group health insurance plan. We have tried, but been unable to get private health insurance due to pre-existing medical conditions. We are currently paying an astronomical amount of money each month for COBRA coverage. I recently took a job working nights and weekends (so we didn't have to get a babysitter) to get onto a group health plan, but will not even be eligible for coverage for several more months. I'll bet the Kerry campaign would love to let me be a poster child "victim" of the American health care "crisis." No, thanks.
Hat tip CrushKerry!
While we’re on the subject, this is from NewsMax.com:
Doctor Voting for Bush: Democrats Are Killing Us
"I've never pulled the lever for a Republican candidate in my life," said Steve Klein, a neurosurgeon and a member of a coalition called Doctors for Medical Liability Reform. "But this time, I'm voting for who will vote for reform."
"The Democratic Party is the party of trial lawyers," said Ken Mehlman, campaign manager for Bush Cheney '04. "People...have less access to [health care] because a few people are getting very rich."
GETTING BLOGGED DOWN
After being laid up for a couple of days, I feel as though I’ve missed a lifetime of news. I began surfing the Net and was flabbergasted at the sheer amount of commentaries, news articles and posts I had missed. I’m still trying to get up to speed. After reading Pat’s piece at his other blog Brainster, I’m not surprised at how quickly one can get blogged down.
8 Read this and Understand
A CASE FOR WAR will not attempt to explain the reasons for attacking Iraq because Iraq is part of a bigger picture, and the attack there will be one battle in a much longer war. Trying to understand one particular battle without the context of the larger war is an exercise in futility. (By analogy: what excuse is there in 1942 for the US to attack Vichy France in Morocco? Vichy France wasn't our enemy; Germany and Italy were. Taken out of the context of the larger war, the Torch landings in Africa make little sense. It's only when you look at the bigger picture of the whole war that you can understand them.)
8 Post-Totalitarian Stress Disorder
A roundup of the past two weeks' good news from Iraq.
[T]he editorial board of a less worldly Kansas City Star met up with a group of five Iraqi journalists visiting the United States on a tour organized by the State Department. During the discussion with his Iraqi colleagues, E. Thomas McClanahan of the Star asked them what they thought about the media coverage of Iraq:
One member of the group, the only woman, said the pessimistic tone of Arab coverage was making things worse by encouraging terrorists and demoralizing those who supported democracy. Another journalist, a man in a dark suit, said the insurgents "don't represent the Iraqi people."
8 EX-LOVE TATTOOS TORMENT STARS
Back in 1991, Johnny Depp tattooed "Winona Forever" on his upper right arm in honor of girlfriend Winona Ryder, proclaiming, "I love Winona. I'm going to love her forever. Putting her on my arm solidified it. Tattoos are extremely permanent." After the couple broke up, doltish Depp rewrote history, changing it to "Wino Forever," Webster Hall's Baird Jones reports.
Some stars simply opt to get the whole tattoo removed using laser surgery. Tom Arnold had his portrait of Roseanne Barr removed, and she had her butt-inscription, "Property of Tom Arnold," zapped as well, after he joked it made him the "fourth-biggest property owner in California."
8 Gayle received the following and is passing it along:
Last Thursday I put out one of my Bush/Cheney signs in my front yard. Between midnight and 3 a.m. someone stole it. On Friday night I put out sign No. 2. Since I didn't have to get up early, I thought my dog and I would "stake out" our sign. This time I put the sign a little closer to the gate leading to my backyard. With my dog on an extra long leash, I planted myself on a lawn chair and read 'Unfit for Command' by flashlight until about 1 a.m.
Here comes the fun part.... I noticed that the car coming down the street was slowing down and pulling over to the curb right next to my yard. Sure enough, he gets out of his car and heads right for my sign. Just as he was about to uproot and desecrate it, I opened my gate and let my dog make the initial introduction. As he ran to hide behind the rear end of his car, I promptly moved to the driver-side door, which was still open. It was a fairly nice car with power everything and still running. While my dog continued to 'introduce' herself, I rolled up the window and hit the power door lock button. With that, I slammed the door, grabbed my Bush sign and headed into the back yard.
'And now for the 'rest of the story.' About 40 minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door to one of our city's finest, .... the Vancouver Police Department. The officer asked me what was going on and when I told him, he could not stop laughing. I followed him out to the perp's car and stood there while he asked the guy a few more questions. Upon learning that the guy lived a couple of streets down, I, -- knowing what was about to happen -- asked him, "Why do you have Oregon plates on your car if you live just down the street (here in Vancouver, Wash.)?" Oregon has no sales tax, so often Washington residents will buy and register cars in Oregon to avoid paying sales tax... it's a crime and the fine is pretty stiff.
Here comes the best part.... The look on this guy's face told me he knew he was about to get busted. When the officer asked for his license and registration, the 'Democrat' mumbled that (his license) was suspended. Just for kicks and giggles I asked the officer if he smelled any alcohol coming from the guy. The officer looked at me, smiled and promptly gave him a field breathalyzer test. Guess what? You got it, he blew a .10, legally drunk in the state of Washington. DUI, illegal registration and the brand of 'MORON,' all 'cause he hates Bush.
YOUR CRUSH KERRY FIX
Pat Hynes, a professional in the campaign business has an brilliant article offering (free of charge) debate advice for President Bush, with 10 thoughts on how to approach the debate. Also offered are proposed responses by President Bush to some of the toughest questions he will face and that have the most potential for damage.
Read "Kerry's Terror War and Iraq Plans ''Point'' To Disaster" here.
Also, read about how John Kerry has had a "four point plan", "six point plan" and a "seven point plan" for the war on terror, and the same number of "point plans" for Iraq. This article was easy to write - all the stuff came from John Kerry's own website, speeches and op-eds within the last 7 months. Read "Kerry's Terror War and Iraq Plans ''Point'' To Disaster" here.
Finally, there is an article entitled: "Libs Desperately Search for Rathergate Moral Equivalence" showing how David Brock, that paradigm of morality is actually calling people "liars", and can be found here.
THE DIGITAL BROWNSHIRTS NEWS
8 Pat at Brainster
Kerry disgraces himself … again!
8 Wild Bill at PassionateAmerica
Calls from Kerry supporters :)
8 Aaron at SomethingToCryAbout
Discusses the two movies Fahrenheit 9/11 (coming out on DVD) and the soon-to-be released Celsius 41.11.
DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THE ER
Yes, it is I, Kitty, alive and well … well kinda. For several days last week I had been experiencing chest pains. I told no one, not a relative or a friend and especially not a doctor. I kept thinking/hoping it was a dream; I kid you not. Such naivety, such stupidity. By mid-week last week I admitted to myself that I wasn’t feeling well. Thursday, I actually mentioned in it an e-mail to Pat, at KerryHaters, and he urged me to see a doctor … a “good looking” doctor.
Friday morning I awoke at 3:00-ish, chest pains intact, and tried to watch TV. By 4:30 the pains had not eased a bit, so I popped three baby aspirin, because they say if you’re having, y’know, a heart attack … and that was the first time I actually allowed my mind to focus on those words: Heart Attack. By 5:15 I was terrified that I actually might be having a heart attack and that if I didn’t get immediate help, that that window of opportunity, during which time the damage can be repaired, would be closed and I would be left in far worse shape than before. So my vanity prevailed, which meant that I had to awaken DogMan. DogMan is not a morning person.
“Wake up! Wake up! Are you aWAKE?”This was not going well. As I said, DogMan is not a morning person.
“I need you to take me to the ER.”
“I’m having chest pains.”
“Helloooo? In my chest?”
I had assumed he’d take me in his big-A$$ truck. It has a standard transmission, while my Chevy Impala has automatic. In times of stress … at least I was hoping he was feeling a bit of stress; concern would have been acceptable … I would have thought he’d be more comfortable driving his truck. And it’s not like I haven’t ridden in his truck before, either, wedged in between all of his dog training equipment and the ever-present pooper-scooper. But, no, he wanted to take my car. Taking my car necessitated telling him how and where to move the seat back, otherwise he’d never be able to get in, although he’d try while bitching’n’moaning the whole time.
When we pulled into the hospital parking lot, there were several cop cars around the ER entrance, so I told DogMan to let me out. I was about to go in until I noticed him driving around the fairly empty lot. He pulled into one spot, then backed out and pulled into another, and then repeated the process again, just like a dog sniffing out a spot. When he had finally decided upon a space, he sat there in the car with the door open. Just sat there. I finally had had enough, so I yelled at him from across the lot.
“JUST LOCK THE G**D****D CAR AND GET IN HERE!”Is it any wonder my blood pressure was stratospheric? They put me on oxygen. They x-rayed me. They did an EKG. They drew blood. They hooked up an IV and dripped God-knows-what into my body. They kept touching my legs and ankles and asking questions: Do they hurt? Can you feel this? They took my complete family health history, and aside from the family health history thing, nothing was indicating heart problems. Except, of course, for the minor detail of the unrelenting stabbing pains in my chest around my heart. So they popped a nitro tablet under my tongue for the pain. Four minutes had passed when the reaction hit me. My pulse plunged to 40, I felt dizzy and sick, and the world began turning grey. I was losing interest in everything, that is until I broke out into a drenching sweat, which really pissed me off because it ruined my hair.
“How do you lock it?”
“JUST PUSH THE G**D****D BUTTON!”
“ON THE G**D****D KEYRING!”
“The lights are still on.”
They admitted me for observation, and scheduled a stress test for later that afternoon. The stress test proved negative; my heart was fine. Their determination was that I had pleurisy. I thought pleurisy was some old-timey ailment like lumbago, yet the doctor said he had seen several cases recently. They don’t know how I got it, and there’s nothing I can do but rest and take aspirin. So they released me, and I was home for supper that night.
DogMan told me later that he knew I wasn’t having a heart attack if I could yell like I did in the parking lot.
Learn what you can from my experience. All I know is, the next time DogMan drives me to the ER, we’re taking his truck.
P.S. ... I want to thank everyone for their get-well wishes. I’m going to miss the Digital Brownshirts Audio Blogging News tonight, but I’ll be “listening”! I’ll be back to blogging a bit tomorrow.